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Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z)
– Conscious communication: Speaking the unarguable truth & listening generously

– Validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they
are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes)

– Shift to appreciation (5 times as much positive feeling & interaction as negative)

– Claim responsibility: “What can I learn from this?” & “What can I do about it?”

– Re-write your inner script (replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent
victimization with thoughts of appreciation, responsibility that are soothing & validating)

– Practice getting undefended (allowing your partner’s utterances to be what they really
are: just thoughts and puffs of air) and let go of the stories that you are making up

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John Doe